The Six Human Yearnings: Why Your Struggles Make Sense
One of the most compassionate ideas in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is this:
Human suffering isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you. It’s a sign that something important matters.
Beneath anxiety, depression, perfectionism, burnout, or feeling stuck are six core human yearnings. These yearnings are universal. We all have them. And when they’re unmet, we often develop strategies that make sense, even if they end up costing us peace, connection, or joy.
Let’s walk through them.
1. Belonging
The yearning to connect and matter to others
Humans are wired for connection. We long to feel accepted, understood, and emotionally close.
When belonging feels threatened, people may:
People-please
Withdraw or isolate
Struggle with shame or social anxiety
These aren’t flaws. They’re attempts to protect connection.
2. Coherence
The need for life to make sense
We want a story that explains who we are and what’s happening to us.
When coherence is disrupted, people may:
Ruminate endlessly
Get stuck in self-criticism (“Why am I like this?”)
Rely on rigid labels or rules to feel grounded
The mind is trying to create order, even when it becomes exhausting.
3. Feeling
The yearning to fully experience emotions and sensations
We don’t just want happiness. We want aliveness!
When feelings become overwhelming, people may:
Numb out
Avoid emotions
Stay busy, distracted, or disconnected from their bodies
Avoidance often begins as self-protection, but can also turn into self-abandonment.
4. Orientation
The need for direction and clarity
Orientation is about knowing what to move toward, especially when life is uncertain.
When orientation is lost, people may:
Feel stuck or paralyzed
Constantly second-guess decisions
Seek reassurance or certainty before acting
This isn’t weakness! It’s a longing for guidance.
5. Self-Directed Meaning
The yearning to live by chosen values
We want meaning that is ours, not imposed by expectations or “shoulds.”
When meaning feels externally driven, people may:
Feel empty or disconnected
Go through the motions
Experience resentment
This yearning often shows up during transitions, burnout, or identity shifts.
6. Competence
The need to feel capable and effective
We want to grow, learn, and trust ourselves.
When competence feels threatened, people may:
Avoid challenges
Become perfectionistic
Feel helpless or “never good enough”
Even self-doubt is often a sign that growth matters.
Why Yearnings Matter
When we view distress through the lens of yearnings:
Struggles become understandable
Shame softens
Change becomes more compassionate and sustainable
In therapy, the work isn’t about eliminating these yearnings. It’s about meeting them in ways that expand life rather than shrink it.
If you’re struggling, it doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means something meaningful is asking for your attention.
If you’d like support exploring which yearnings are calling out for care in your life, therapy can help you respond with clarity, flexibility, and self-compassion.
